The WBF humor and joke thread.

[PeterA]

The art of the deal!!!

A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman
has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy,busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.
The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply:
“Young man, I thought you said you
would hold that car till we raised the $95,000 asking price, yet I just ? overheard you closed the deal for $75,000 to the lovely young lady there.
And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could ? discount this model.

“The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a ? large glass of water.

“Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, ? didn’t need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I
resist?”, replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car ? keys to the old man.

“There you go,” she said. “I told you I could get that idiot to lower the ? price. See you later Dad, Happy Father’s day.”

 

[DaveC]

 

[gilles13]

A young man ls Asking a Woman’s Father For Her Hand In Marriage , and the father answers carry on with yours.
(Not easy to translate from french)

 

[DaveC]

Walking + texting should be illegal... These are GIF files, they uploaded as JPG, IDK what happened. If anyone knows how to fix pls msg me.

 

[DaveC]

One to make up for the GIF incident...

 

[Folsom]

I'm not sure the animation is needed, with those photos.

 

[DaveC]

I'm not sure the animation is needed, with those photos.

Oh, it's needed...

I'm doing some taxes today...

 

[bonzo75]

A video was just posted of a giant python in the New York City subway wrapped around a handrail. Passengers were like, “Eww! He’s TOUCHING the handrail!” - Jimmy Fallon

 

[audioguy]

REFLECTIONS ON AGE:

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Old age is coming at a really bad time. When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

I don't have grey hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm very wise.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why I went there.

I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work; I get an allowance every month; I have my own pad; I don’t have a curfew; I have a driver’s license and my own car; I have ID that gets me into bars and the whisky store; The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant; And I don’t have acne.

 

[DaveC]

Hoping to finish doing taxes today...

 

[treitz3]

Now daggumit Dave, that one made me cringe. OUCH!!!

I'd like to take this moment to thank my middle finger for sticking up for me whenever the need arises. What a true friend. Thank you middle finger.

Tom

 

[ddk]

I need a break from the other thread !



david

 

[Steve williams]

That reminds me of yet another blonde joke...........

The young blonde walks into the pharmacy to buy some condoms. Having made her choice the blonde walks to the cashier to check out....

She hands the condoms to the cashier who scans them and says to the blonde......

"That'll be $6 plus tax"

The young blonde smiles as a light goes off in her head as she says to the cashier "so that's how they keep those things on !! "

 

[BruceD]

+2

Blonde takes her car to the Mechanic

"It won't go far without stopping and I cannot get it to start again--can you help please?--I just made it here"

Mech--Hmmm Ok come back in an hour and I'll see if I can find the problem in the meantime .

Blonde pops back--"Any Luck?"

Mech---Yeah just crap on the leads--all will be OK

Blonde-- " How often do I have to do that?"


Sorry

BD

 

[GaryProtein]

.
Does anyone remember what Bono said when he got on stage to accept the Golden Globe Award for U2 on NBC-TV a few years ago?

Here is Stephen Pinker's description of the occasion and what followed.

Steven Pinker is a professor in the Department of Psychology at Harvard University.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfFJ7R8pDs

 

[bonzo75]

I need a break from the other thread !

View attachment 35503

david

The Royal family needs to start using some proper ones

 

[audioguy]

Not exactly a "joke", but some might call it humorous:

Soooooooo... typical day in the life of Chuck (aka audioguy)...

One of our neighbors had been complaining that our dog had been barking non-stop. I hate the electric zapping bark collars so I purchased a humane citronella collar, that way when the dog barked, it shot out a blast of citronella under their nose and they don't like it. This particular morning I was getting the collar ready and filled it with their stuff. And that's where my morning should have ended. But no, it's me, and I begin to become curious as to how said collar works.

Now I'm standing on our back patio "barking" at my dog's collar. Nothing happens. I make sure it's turned on, check the fill level, and go through the "getting started" check list one more time. Again, I bark. Nothing happens. Now I'm not quite sure, why I had this next thought, but I did; I put on the collar. I seriously extended the band and fit the growl box against my throat and barked. Apparently, the collar only works if it feels vibrations, because I immediately received a blast of citronella to the face.

I began coughing, which only caused the collar to continue to squirt bug spray over and over into my nasal cavity. I'm now on my hands and knees in my back yard, trying to breathe, and to make matters worse, the dog is now barking. So between coughing and yelling at the dog to shut up, I've emptied over a dozen blasts of citronella to my face. During all of this ruckus, I'm trying to undo the clasp of the collar, which has somehow managed to weld shut during this whole fiasco.

I finally get the collar off and threw, yes I threw that crazy (inhumane) thing across the yard, and lay in the grass sucking in the cool morning air. In the middle of thinking this probably the dumbest thing I've done in a while, I hear laughter. MY NEIGHBOR SAW THE WHOLE THING! He was laughing so hard he couldn't breathe. Between gasps, he tells me,"I was gonna come help, but every time I started to come over, you'd set it off again and then I would started laughing and couldn't make it" So now, not only are my eyes red, but my face and ears are too. After checking to make sure I was ok, we parted ways and I went in to shower so I wouldn't be smelling like ode de' Tiki Torch.

So lesson learned: next time (yes, there will always be a next time with me) make sure that 1. Don't fill the collar before trying to set it off and 2. Remember your neighbor is not a good source of help in a comedy crisis situation. On the plus side, I didn't have a mosquito problem for a few days!.



........and now that even though this does sound like something I'd do I hate to break the news that it's a copied story that gave me a good chuckle so feel free to do the same...

I laughed so hard I had to share!

 

[Barry2013]

+1 Audioguy

 

[bonzo75]

Hilarious, Indian restaurant talks to Chinese restaurant http://chirb.it/ppLJFG

 

[treitz3]

Breaking News: The NFL announced today that because of lost revenue due to kneeling, an NFL Team had to be cut. Tampa Bay and the Green Bay Packers will now be combining forming the Tampacks. They will be good for only one period and will have no second string...

Tom