With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff. I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
My wife is such a bad cook. In my house we pray after the meal.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home early and a guy was jogging past my house, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.
I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born
I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, & asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."
One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control.
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.